Stories
User Submitted Stories
Back in ‘Nam, some of the guys in my squad tried using linux. “How hard can it be?” they asked. What happened? Charlie got them. Each and every one of them. While they were trying to find the start menu, BAM! All gone. Makes me sick just thinking about it. Sure we lost a few guys when their gear blue screened, but that is a small price to pay to keep the start menu down where it belongs, in the bottom left of the screen. — command foo
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Cast your stone. Share your stories here. Anything related to Windows and/or Linux.
We’re all ears.
January 8th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
[story promoted to page -- thanks.]
January 8th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
WTF is this site?
Are you people fucking nuts? Hell, if you want to see an operating system without a start button, use any operating system other than Windows. Mac has an Apple button. Why and Apple button, dear god? Before you bash Linux for NOT BEING WINDOWS, why don’t you take a look at other operating systems that ARE NOT WINDOWS.
January 8th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
I LUV MI LYNUX, ITS GREAT!!!!!!!!
./configure anus
./make
./install this shit
3.00#
May 29th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I can’t believe anyone would waste their time actually making this website. Truly one of the dumbest things I’ve seen yet.
June 24th, 2008 at 7:36 am
what a tool.
too scared to use anything but windows. shame really. another dumbass makes an example of himself….
July 5th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Windows is far better at any computing task. It’s secure, easy to use, has far more applications available, requires far less resources to run, has much better screen savers, and costs less ………and then I woke up!!! Lets get real folks.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I love windows because i like the way it restarts after every application install. And I must say this – “i’m crazy about BSOD, its so coooooool. “
July 7th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Windows is underrated as an Operating System. It’s easy to use, and (at least in the case of XP) much stabler then people give it credit for. I’ve been using XP pretty intensively for about three years now, and I’ve only had one BSOD, plus maybe one freeze-up every three or more months. Not bad. I can’t comment on the stability of Linux (I’ve used it sparingly), but on user-friendliness Linux fails–the simplicity just isn’t there.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:43 am
This website is AWESOME! I think it’s really cool that they let the developmentally disabled (retarded people) have websites of their very own! Okay lol i’m going to go back to infecting XP with viruses in my vmware! It’s zen-like and reminds me of what i used to have to put up with (Expensive under-developed shit that attracts bugs and worms and viruses, like crap tends to do). <3
July 8th, 2008 at 6:00 am
I just love how the humor and sarcasm is so lost on so many posters here :3
July 8th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! This site is really funny! By the way, I’ll stick with my Linux box. Have you ever really tried any Linux Distro? And have you ever started installing Win Vista? That’s… Just… Really… Slow… And… Bloated…
July 8th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! This site is really funny! By the way, I’ll stick with my Linux box. Have you ever really tried any Linux Distro? And have you ever started installing Win Vista? That’s… Just… Really… Slow… And… Bloated…LOL!
July 10th, 2008 at 2:48 am
Let’s see here …..
Vietnam ended in 1973-74.
More fear, hate and lies.
At least you’re consistent.
George
July 10th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I agree with u george!!
July 10th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Like many people in my country, we had been using linux for generations. It was all any of us knew; we didn’t think it strange. There is even a video that my grandfather posted to YouTube when he was a boy, of himself and some of the boys from the neighboring farm gathered around their dusty CRT, playing a game of Kmahjongg.
But, one day when I had just become a teenager, my older sister returned from University. She was acting strangely, like she had a terrible secret. My older brother and I approached her and asked if Rudolf, the boy she met at University, had treated her ungentlemanly – we would make him regret his behavior. She put her hand to her forehead and sobbed, “If only it was that easy!” She slowly got up and shut the door, and then checked the window to see if anyone was outside. Then she carefully withdrew something from her backpack … it was a gleaming new laptop! My brother and I crowded closer; we had heard stories of these marvelous devices, and we were excited at the thought of perhaps playing KnetHack in glorious 16 color.
My sister shushed our murmurings, and made us swear to secrecy for what she was about to show us. We gulped and agreed — what could possibly be so secret, so subversive? She opened the laptop and hit the power button — and the glorious Windows 98 logo filled the screen!
“What wizardry is this?” exclaimed my brother. “This does not look like Ubuntu …”, I volunteered. My sister put a finger to her lips and said in conspiratorial tones: “I use this at University. It is an Operating System, like Linux … but Better!”
This was too much for my brother. He shouted that “I will not be a party to this heresy!” and raced out of the room. My sister looked stricken, and told me that she hoped he would not tell the Authorities. She then asked – could she trust me with this secret? I didn’t know how to answer, but she soon showed me WordPad, with its ability to word-wrap … and I was overcome with lust for this magic. Why, I hadn’t even yet tasted the sweet nectar of .Net, or wrestled gallantly with any of the myriad versions of Outlook, or yet known the thrill of answering pointed questions for the Windows Guarantee of Authenticity. But Wordpad – sigh. Of course, I was hooked. “I will maintain our confidence,” I assured her, “but I must help my countrymen know about this amazing new tool.”
Now, of course, many things have changed in our country. Unfortunately my brother was killed in the Great OS Revolutionary War of ‘81; it may have been my bullet that killed him, for I raised a weapon in anger in that great conflict. Fortunately, the XP Horde, as we called ourselves then, was victorious, and ultimately overthrew the corrupt Stallmanists that held power in our country for so many years. I am proud to say that it is no longer a shameful thing to use a Microsoft Operating System – in fact, many people now proudly display a “M$” tattoo or elaborate piercing.
As for me – do not consider me a hero. I was merely a soldier in this Revolution of Culture, Technology & Menus, listening to my heart, and trying to follow the same dreams that my grandfather had so many years before.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Ahh, deadlycheese, your heartwarming story brought a tear to my eye as I remembered my own battles with the deviant Linux armiez. Let me tell U a story from my youth:
The Stallmanists inspect each computer built to ensure it runs F/OSS – if any proprietary software is found, the machine is destroyed. They raise their boys in the school of hard knocks – in admin training, a small boy’s misuse of arcane haXor tools (like nmap or wireshark, both illegal in civilized countries) earns a bloody lip from the hand of his own father. At age 7, each young boy is torn from his mother and makes his own way in the wilderness, to return a man and live in her basement. Even the keeper of the kernel endures this rite of passage. At age 15, young kernel-maker-to-be Linus lured an innocent puppy into a narrow passage so that he could kill it. He returned to their so-called civilisation as a hero.
An emissary from the great Windows empire visits a Stallmanist-run country. Linus refuses to make Linux part of the glorious Bill’s empire, and kills the messenger (for no reason!). Later, as the XP Horde approaches, Linus consults with Larry of Oracle to obtain his favour before sending the Stallmanist army into battle. He explains his strategy (to firewall the internets and block packets from Windows machines, especially targeting Bill Gates) to the uncaring Larry. The query from Oracle (an inferior rip-off of SQL Server) returns NULL.
Linus is reluctant to defy Larry outright, but remembers PostgreSQL (an inferor rip-off of Oracle) is more “free” and it encourages him to think outside the box. Linus elects to take 300 admins as his “bodyguard” to the strategic location. His PostgreSQL query tells him to come back with his laptop or on it (being open source, it never returns proper results since anybody can just change the code to return whatever they want).
On the road they meet some allies (from other GNU corrupted countries no doubt), who are shocked that the Stallmanists are sending such a small force. Linus asks the professions of the allied army, who are programmers and help desk employees. He points out that he has brought more admins than they.
They arrive, and strong storms have destroyed some of Bill’s servers. However, it is only a small percentage of the massive army they will face. Windows still has 90% market share after all!
ESR, a horribly disfigured man, comes to see Linus to warn him of the goatse image at the rear of his position. ESR claims that his parents fled the Stallmanist country in an effort to give him a better life with a superior OS, and hopes to redeem them by fighting for Linus. However, he is unable to use the inferior open source software. Websites just don’t work right without IE. ESR’s fondest hopes are crushed.
Another Windows emissary arrives, and finds that the laptops of the previous LAN party now makes up part of the large clustering firewall. The XP Horde states that they got rid of Sun, and the Stallmanists should stop living in the dark. The emissary’s party is kill dash nined (a communist term for ending negotiations). The next visitor is Bill himself, but Linus still refuses to come over to the right side.
Bill sends his dancing personal guard, “The Ballmers”. A few Windows machines get pwned, but many of the Linux machines are taken down, and it becomes clear that more will follow.
The Stallmanists know their fight is doomed. Linus sends one man home to tell others what has happened.
Back home, Bruce Perens has been trying to convince the council to send help to Linus. He even sleeps with some of them, but it doesn’t help. Most of them are starting to see how much better Windows really is and wondering why they can’t switch.
Surrounded by the XP Horde, Linus reboots his laptop and falls to his knees. He has finally given up trying to get wireless to work and now dual boots. But it’s a foolish struggle and he eventually wipes the Linux partition.
Yes, deadlycheese, we won these two battles, but we have to keep up the fight. Not only from the deviant Linux armiez, but also the loose collection of Mac fanboy gangs, which when lumped together outnumber even the Stallmanists.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Oh……..the great “300 linux users”..
I tell u mine!!
I bought a new laptop. i tuned it on!! then suddenly i saw a strange “Window” Icon .. then i Pressed my power button for 5 seconds.. eventually when i machine is nearly dead … i quickly opened my cd case & moved out my ultimate weapon … It Was “Ubuntu 8.04″ dvd. then i quickly rebooted my system through it …. & killed that monster inside my little machine & gave it ultimate power… & hurray i have won the battle…
Happy end of story…
after that…
Happily ever after…Linux ROCKS!!
July 13th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
“Happily ever after…Linux ROCKS!!”
…And, one month after your wild fling with Ubuntu, a system update fucked you in the ass and gave you herpes. Ubuntu never called you back, having left for a more nubile user to infect.
Windows is the best operating system ever invented, bar none. If you disagree, you’re a terrorist.
Also, cocks.
July 15th, 2008 at 8:15 am
“Fart” stick with windows!
Pray to GOD every day!
Do good work!
Never tell a lie!
Never hurt anyone!
&
Don’t think about using LINUX,just stay in school. u cock sucker!! ==)
July 19th, 2008 at 8:44 am
i would like to splash my windows with ubuntu brown, kinda like japanese p0rn, with the hope that such a turn-on would update my micro-soft cock iNTo a genuine advantage, for the real eXPerience.
after so much genuine pleasure, all i can think of is: where do i wanna go today? or, got milk?
July 21st, 2008 at 11:14 am
boobs.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:34 am
Dumbass loves Windows, since it behaves stupid enough to be controlled by him/her…
July 24th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Hi, I’m David, and I was in a Linux cult.
It all started so innocently. Install xyz distro, it’s free, will cure all of your computing problems and will take you to a new level of existence. Naively, I was in. What could go wrong?
Cult members were helpful at first. Installation problems? Go here, find this, it is what you need. Wow, all they promised was coming true!
I was a believer, I started flaming windows users. Linus was the saviour as foretold.
But then I bought the latest HP multifunction printer. You should see this thing. Does everything. Even has a kitchen sink. Plugged it into my computer. No dice?!??! WTF? Linux was supposed to take me to a new plane of existence. Now I can’t even print the latest pictures of Britney sans panties.
Patience they said. This was all part of the evil empire’s plan to hinder us said another. Be useful and go code your own friggen driver.
Now it was starting to get nasty. I was asking too many questions they didn’t want to hear. Then the threats started. They knew where I lived. Who my friends were. OMG, they wanted to sacrifice my puppies in a way I can’t mention.
I had to get out. Thank you Vista, you saved me!
I’m part of a 12 step program now. There is a God. I need to make amends.
My group still has problems with admitting that Linus is not a higher power. But hey, one step at a time.
This is my story. Don’t let it happen to you. Get out while you still can. There is more to life than downloading free porn.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:04 am
What a story LOL
Have any of you try to install some new device on Vista?Or to remove Vista from computer and install again?Did you noticed that you always have different installation problem on same hardware?
Windows is for games, Linux is for work.
July 25th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
In MY day, we didn’t HAVE “Windows”. We had Vacuum tubes! And we loved it!
July 27th, 2008 at 11:35 am
“Back in ‘Nam, some of the guys in my squad tried using linux. “How hard can it be?” they asked. What happened? Charlie got them. Each and every one of them. While they were trying to find the start menu, BAM! All gone. Makes me sick just thinking about it. Sure we lost a few guys when their gear blue screened, but that is a small price to pay to keep the start menu down where it belongs, in the bottom left of the screen.”
That’s nothing compared to what us Charlies had to deal with with our macs! Did you know that a mac freezes if you press printscreen, scroll lock and rightclick simultaneously!
July 29th, 2008 at 1:28 am
This flame war is endless. But I realized something midway.
If windows was so full-o-crap, why would so called linux-devs try to port windows applications to linux? Why build something called Cedega,Wine or even ndiswrapper? Doesn’t it mean that they believe they cannot build the complex functionality that is so easily delivered on windows?
Come on! If you think linux is the best, sticking with open source tools which happen to be maintained by your friends(and ridden of bugs either after one year/never, when you would not be using those tools anyway)
I am not a l-user, but I respect both the OSes. Its just that both have their pros and cons. For all the points raised against Windows, I can just say that try to scale linux to where Windows is right now, and you will end up with the most horrible user experience.(’Y2K scare’ squared probably)
July 30th, 2008 at 11:21 am
EvilSays:
The reason why is that Windwos itself is crap but, they do that because there is great programs for it.
August 4th, 2008 at 7:45 am
I am so sad to hear about your friends giving their lives for something as stupid as Linux! Please, we must contact our US representative and tell them to cut this silliness out! Our soldier’s lives are worth more than these inferior tools and their complicated placement of the start menu! We must demand that they use only Microsoft approved products!!!
August 12th, 2008 at 9:21 am
I wanna play Crysis (and others recent games ) on Linux. Is it possible? Wine can’t do it. Going back to Windows.
August 16th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Linux not only kills you, but everyone in a ten foot radius.
Have a heart.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Windows is awesome. I love that the OS only costs $300, and less if I upgrade every year. I also like that it runs pretty fast, well I mean not too slow, on a quad core machine with 4GB of memory. It’s also so cool that there is lots of software and that I could spend 1000’s on software for anything I want to do. That truly is cool. Oh, and I like the pretty blue screen too, especially the one that pops up with text all over it and makes me have to reboot my machine.
I hate Linux. I don’t even know how to get it. It seems like it must cost millions or something, or maybe it’s only available in Iraq or something. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a commercial for it on t.v so it must be completely useless.
August 25th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Man! Windows Vista is soooo cool! You have to reboot even when you click an icon! And that RSOD is great, sweet of them to change the blue, it was old
…. lol, nah! I have Ubuntu in my PC, *ONLY* ubuntu, i deleted Vista to give /home more space :0…. UH! WHat’s this!! They are taking me… noooo!!
$mv microsoft_people /dev/null
$make shield
$test shield
$cut metal
$make sword
$python ./launch_atomic_bomb -w Windows -i 100
$halt
August 25th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Man! Windows Vista is soooo cool! You have to reboot even when you click an icon! And that RSOD is great, sweet of them to change the blue, it was old
…. lol, nah! I have Ubuntu in my PC, *ONLY* ubuntu, i deleted Vista to give /home more space :0…. UH! WHat’s this!! They are taking me… noooo!!… Oh, i’m back, yo wanna see a CLI war?
C:>msiexec c_compiler.msi //time remaining: 10M
$apt-get build-dep firewall &
$make secret_entry &
$make ( iron && metal ) //time remaining 5M
C:>compile shield_* //time remaining 1M
$firewall -strong 100
$mv soldiers secret_entry //time remaining 1M
C:>compile secret_entry_block //time remaining 2M
$strip microsoft_developer_face
$wget microsoft_tech_heart
$python ./set_up_bomb -time 10 //time remaining 3M
C:>format gnu_allies_in_m_territory /FS:MICRoSOFT
C:>cd atomic_bomb_shield/
$open atomic_bomb_shield
$cp /usr/src/you_re_fucked.c atomic_bomb_shield/
$gcc atomic_bomb_shield/you_re_fucked.c
$mv a.out salvation.exe
C:>echo We are safe now
C:>salvation.exe
Starting atomic misile launching…. [OK]
Testing if destine exist….. [OK]
Launching first missile… [OK]
Launching second misslie…. [OK]
Launching thirst missile…. [OK]
Sending message to Windows machine ‘you are fucked’…. [OK]
…
you are fucked
C:> //dead
$echo Victory!!
$ext3undel lost_lifes
$halt
August 26th, 2008 at 12:21 am
This is funny as hell! NAM ? seriously!?
Dude, next time tell them it’s a joke beforehand so they can enjoy it and their blood pressure won’t go spinning out of control.
Ubuntu user and proud. You are crazy. I’m pretty sure you wrote this site in your moms’ basement
Do one on MAC now. can’t wait to see the mac fanboys in action
August 26th, 2008 at 5:54 am
Real men use Windows, there I said it.
I’m sick and tired of hearing about this lunix thing.
Keep that sissy software to yourself.
It can’t even do msn messenging or broswing internets.
Haha, i laugh at you lunix users.
Yuo all just can’t afford Windows, that why you’re jouleas.
Windows FTW!!!!
September 15th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
i tried using linux once, it got my dog pregnant and FORCED me to sleep with my sister!
October 14th, 2008 at 6:46 am
This site is hilarious. Thank you! I think that the ungry people that didn’t have the sense o humour to see the joke should not use Linux, because Linux is evil and can and will make fun of them.
November 2nd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I have this job I hate. But I’m going to get them. I put in Samba server. Hell, what a pain it was to get it going. Boring machine, it just sits there and catches the backups. I’m leaving it behind as a time bomb. Boy, if that machine ever breaks they’re going to have hell getting it going again. They think it is budgeted for, but it’s not: when they get Windows Server 2008 to replace it their balls are going to get busted for going over budget!
January 7th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Linux Users’ Future:
February 21st, 2009 at 1:10 am
JEBAĆ LINUKSA!!!!! TAK, KURWA JESTEM POLAKIEM. NAZYWAM SIĘ KURWA JACEK BURSA I MIESZKAM KURWA W JEBANYM SZCZECINIE. I KURWA NIE CIERPIĘ TEGO POJEBANEGO SYSTEMU JAKIM JEST LINUX. KURWA WINDOWS JEST 100 RAZY SZYBSZY NIŻ LINUX, NAWET JEŚLI WE WINDOWSIE URUCHOMIENIE KURWA JEBANEGO PASJANSA TRWA KURWA PIERDOLONĄ GODZINĘ. A LINUS TO MNIE KURWA MOŻE W DFUPĘ POCAŁOWAĆ. KISS MY ASS LINUS TORVALDS, OR SICK MY DICK – JAK KURWA CHCESZ. A JUTRO KURWA ZABIERAM SIĘ ZA TWORZENIE KURWA POLSKIEJ WERSJI TEJ STRONY – PROMOWANIELINUKSA.PL
March 30th, 2009 at 1:40 am
Way back in 1907, my Grandpa used Linux. It cost him the farm!
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
I remember when I tried to convert to Windows, Ubuntu wouldn’t let me. As soon as I put in the Vista DVD, it started to lock down my system. Even now, I’m sure I can’t get away from Linux. If I even try to tell my story, something awful cou*(&^*&(^%&*CARRIER LOST
August 15th, 2009 at 3:27 am
I love how fucking stupid most of these commentators are. This is a great satire site with some great points about things that have plagued FOSS development forever.
Just shows you how stupid Linux Youths are.
April 17th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
This website actually proves the linux fanbase are mostly retarded. It’s SATIRE
April 22nd, 2010 at 3:38 pm
Yes Yes, I get the joke. Please take this site completely non-seriously (see the contact page)
April 22nd, 2010 at 3:39 pm
By the way, I use ubuntu 9.10, and will be uprading to 10.04 in just one week’s time! It was very easy to install, and my HP drivers for wireless were on the CD.
May 7th, 2010 at 12:03 am
On the “how stupid all the Linux users are”, it’s not as obvious that this is satirical as good satire should be. It’s not ridiculous enough. It’s only as ridiculous as the actual FUD spread by Microsoft, as most fo these articles are word-for-word. Only some superfluous humor offers a vague clue that it might not be real.
Most Linux users are not retarded. On the contrary, most Linux users are aware of how retarded Windows users can be. This web site is definitely something one can imagine a delusional Windows fan might come up with (even with touches of hyperbolic humor).
So no, don’t blame the people who are fooled. It’s too easy to assume this is real after reading only one page knowing just how uneducated the general public can be and that, by and large, the general public uses Windows.
June 7th, 2011 at 7:36 pm
Dear Webmaster:
You suck.
The end.
Goodbye.
August 30th, 2011 at 2:17 am
You’re sick, you know that.